Ryugyong Int’l Motoring Expo: Voss Nose unveils the Trigoneuron-88, world’s first self-drunk-driving car.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

International Hovering Quarterly – Today, Voss Nose Chairman and Most Pretty Scientist Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Trigoneuron-88, the world’s first self-driving car able to function with a blood-alcohol level of up to 5.0%. Based on the company’s lightweight Terrestrapist volute-suspension chassis, the Trigoneuron-88 includes the company’s class-leading Portlethorax 24-cylinder radial engine and Infinizone hinged climate control windows, mated to a bioelectronic control system that Hata characterized as being “exactly like 24,000 68030s in a bucket with a duck brain.”

The Trigoneuron’s party piece is its high alcohol tolerance. “It is totally cool to drive right now, man,” Hata slurred. “You don’t even know. Just give me the keys back and I’ll totally show you. It hasn’t even had like one drink at all, man.” It is claimed that the Trigoneuron’s control system can function at levels of inebriation beyond the scope of mortal man. Proponents of self-driving cars have claimed that their widespread use represents a new frontier in road safety, but Voss Nose bosses claimed that further study was needed. “Those Google cars are total lightweights,” Hata claimed to the assembled press. “One glass of Laphroaig and the whole thing is up poop creek without a shittle, if you’ll pardon my French.” The Trigoneuron-88 is expected to be more popular with its friends than the Toyota-based Google proof-of-concept vehicles, and Voss Nose insists that the car-tank-yacht’s irresponsible behavior will make it popular with youth abroad. “We sold cars to Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, and Kim Jong-Un,” said Hata, “but with the Trigoneuron-88 we went back to the drawing board and thought about what we needed to do to sell cars to the next generation of dictator. They’re younger, they’re douchier, and less steeped in Stalinist Realism. We think the Trigoneuron represents the next leap forwards for our business.”

The assembled press’ reaction was tepid. Zwei Auto editor Moxlips XVI said “when people hear Voss Nose, they think of multi-billion dollar worldcrushers the size of Belgrade with the carbon footprint of Concatenated Serbia. Is the Trigoneuron really what that demographic wants?” CAR Magazine Greaheame Tongs agreed: “This is a car that, through it’s inebriated self-motoring, will certainly kill many hundreds of pedestrians. But doesn’t the average Voss Nose customer want the satisfaction of killing them himself?”

Consumer reaction remains to be groped; the Trigoneuron-88 goes on sale this epoch for 1.6 billion Guilders.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Voss Nose unveils Plesiopheonix-XX, world’s first car with peasant filter.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Sex Farm Woman Herald-Tribune – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking via saucy hologram, Voss Nose CEO and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Plesiopheonix-XX, a new sporting coupé with environmental credentials lacking from previous Voss Noses. Pairing the company’s Itchy Emperor platform with the wrought-iron V20 “Superthorax” motor, the Plesiopheonix represents a new econo-pervert direction for the company.

“At first, I wasn’t sure where I was,” Hata noted, “and then I realized I was at the motor show. Hello, lady. We’re very excited by the Plesiopheonix’s new technology. Commonly, when driving through urban, rural, or terrestrial areas, one’s motoring carriage will suck up a lot of peasants, which can really gum up the engine after a few thousand miles. That’s bad for milage. What we do is install a special filter in the intakes that uses combined layers of cable TV, compelling retail outlets, and public schools to trap any peasants that might enter the engine bay. It then puts them to work on internal improvements to each Plesiopheonix. This represents an exciting new frontier in enviro-conscious motoring; the more peasants you can trap inside your engine bay, the nicer your Plesiopheonix will become.”

Hata did not respond to charges that the 84-foot Plesiopheonix-XX was simply the latest in his series of attempts to impress actress Catalina Sandino “Mad Dog” Moreno, instead pointing out the car’s other features, including neural network turn signals and rear braking array composed of 96,000 drum brakes. Voss Nose plans to offer the Plesiopheonix beginning in Q2 ’12, with prices starting at 144 billion yuan.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Hyodong unveils Semiplus GLX, a new version of the car that nobody loved.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Grandmaster Flash Shimbun – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking at an after-hours Shriner’s meeting whilst wearing a saucy leotard, Hyodong chairwoman Jeong-Ah “Mad Dog” Cheon unveiled the new GLX option package for the company’s flagship Semiplus sedan, a car which has failed to gain mention of any sort, anywhere.

“Over two out of every ninety million Westerners are aware that the Semiplus exists,” Cheon stated, “and the new GLX is sure to please that existing fanbase by providing the features our customer desires, at a price he can afford.” The GLX now includes features like power brakes, laminated glass, and rear-window defroster, previously only found in the Semiplus GLS, GLK, DL, and DLX. Additionally, the Semiplus comes in colors like Bright Sepia, Reflective Green, and Mustache. Chairwoman Cheon expressed hopes that the GLX would expand the Semiplus’ owner demographics into “exciting new areas.”

The company’s current demographic, a 46 year-old white male from Sioux City, IA named Ron, reported mixed feelings to the news. “My wife mentioned seeing an article that says Korean cars are good now,” Ron said, “so I got this one. I couldn’t afford one from South Korea. So you said there’s a new one?” The Semiplus that Ron owns, the GLT, continues to be sold.

Response in the motoring press was similarly absent. “The what? I don’t get it,” commented hirsute journalist Wladyslaw “Mad Dog” Orlicz, while CAR Magazine editor Graehaemee “Mad Dog” Waxlips insisted that we leave his skybox.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Mercedes chief Zetsche and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Hata declare Beatbox War “over.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Portiscule Motoring Gazette – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: In a joint announcement, Daimler AG chairman Dieter Zetsche and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu “Mad Dog” Hata announced an end to the Beatbox War, fought between the West German carmaker and Hata’s own Voss Nose Motoring Concern, with Mercedes-Benz accepting responsibility for hostilities and paying reparations to Voss Nose. The war started in 2003, when then-chairman of Daimler Jürgen Schrempp implied that Hata was the world’s least-fly emcee, with the first blood being shed when Hata drove a Voss Nose Mossburster through Mercedes’ Sindelfingen factory at over 3,000 mph, killing millions.

“I, now, state in the firmest possible terms that Hata Tsutomu, Nintoku Tennō, possesses untold skill on the mic’,” Zetsche began. “The acts of aggression perpetrated by my predecessor were unfortunate; indeed, we may not allow such things to happen again. Beyond that, however, we must accept that disputing the preeminence of Hata evidences hubris beyond measure; irrespective of the fact that he put the nose of a Chrysler 300C in my bed, my predecessor should have known better.”

Investor response to the news was mixed. “On the one hand, Voss Nose continues to sell cars at a record rate of over nine per year, at a profit of six billion dollars per unit,” extruded Konrad “Mad Dog” Zuse. “On the other hand, the tributes they were taking from conquered lands was equal to that, if not more; we’re going to need to see their sales numbers double to make up the shortfall.” Voss Nose shares rocketed up 144% in late trading, in fear of Tsutomu Hata’s iron fists.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Stanislaus unveils world’s first “hostel car.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Ugly Babies Gazette Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Stanislaus Motoring unveiled the Roomadero 88, the world’s first cost-saving “hostel car,” in a special presentation earlier today. With two stories, a shared bathroom, and a “suspect” kitchen, the Roomadero 88 will utilize the cost-saving principle of the hostel to lower the entry cost for buyers, claims Stanislaus CEO Bob “Mad Dog” Ssssanchez. “It’s great,” said Ssssanchez, “We can leverage different cost-saving opportunities in each area the Roomadero 88 will be sold in. In most North American markets, the Roomadero will come equipped with German backpackers who can and will tell you what’s wrong with the US. Meanwhile, the Western European-market Roomadero will feature Americans who are just in the car to “Y’know, find themselves or whatever. Really get in touch with some stuff, I guess.” In both cases, we pass the savings on to the consumer. Sometimes the German won’t get out of your seat. It’s great.”

Industry insiders present at the event were less impressed. “I appreciate that getting a modern, comfortable car to market at a competitive price is incredibly important in these economic conditions,” wheezed Lambert “Mad Dog” Meertens of former automaker-turned-charnel house Chrysler, “But having a permanent unruly visitor in one’s car might be an unlivable proposition for consumers. While driving the CARB-spec press model today, my Japanese tenant kept asking me if the Golden Gate Bridge was nearby. I can’t see this catching on.”

Despite any possible issues, Stanislaus representatives say that they plan to launch the Roomadero 88 by the end of the year, citing a need to “move on” after the failure of the Stanislaus Newtly, the world’s first land-hydrofoil.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Bob Lutz briefly mentions Voltec platform, “dares you to say that to his face.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

World Bananadon Monthly – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking to the press at the General Motors press conference, Vice Chairman Bob Lutz introduced the exciting opportunities that GM’s forthcoming Voltec platform presents for three minutes, and then demonstrated his power by tearing up the podium and throwing it at “those French pansies” manning the nearby Aston Martin booth. Fielding questions from reporters on the series hybrid architecture, Lutz noted that AP automotive correspondent Henry Crun should “just get up here and try saying that to my face,” before taking off his shirt and ending the press conference.

Lutz’s behavior confused industry analysts, in light of GM President and CEO Fritz Henderson’s recent departure. “We had assumed that Henderson’s departure was due to board pressure, particularly from chair Ed Whitacre,” said Brian “Mad Dog” Kernighan, of investment firm Int, Argc, & Char, “but according to the graffiti left by Lutz on the side of Ford World Headquarters, Henderson left because he was, and I quote, a “pansy midget chump,” who lived in fear of Lutz’s “iron fists.” Lutz’s actions at the Ryugyong show today support this.”

General Motors representatives could not be reached for comment on either matter, until Lutz drove through the wall of our office in a 2010 Cadillac CTS-V and demanded to know if any of us “little Chinamen” thought we could “take him.”

Ryugyong Motor Show: Top Voss Nose scientists unveil world’s first chlorine-bodied motoring carriage

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Samlibar News Extrusions – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Top men of the Voss Nose Research Lair announced the Three Three Plesiosaur concept motoring carriage, the first in the world to have a body constructed entirely from chlorine gas.

Sir Humphry Davy, the lead Voss Nose researcher behind the project, explained the benefits of the Three Three Plesiosaur. “Well, it has the same V14 Superthorax engine as the regular VN Boomtown Superbeast, but the chlorine body represents a significant step forward. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s not metal,” Davy said, waving his hand through the 3 3 P’s body. “I mean, all of the usual drawbacks that come with the iron we usually use for car bodies? Gone. I mean, look, it’s chlorine. It’s like our slogan says; ‘Voss Nose: The Freshmaker!” Davy responded to doubts about the ability of the Voss Nose chlorine to not kill people by laughing nervously and suggesting we check out the pictures of Miss Neutron, the Voss Nose company pin-up model, in the next exhibit hall.

Executives and pin-up models from Stanislaus and Trench-Rapist, Voss Nose’s chief competitors in the passenger car and big-ass boat markets, declined to comment.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Driven – the new Voss Nose Mossburster Rawhiiiide

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Waxwork and HO-Scale Train Daily – Good God, the Mossburster moves. She moves! My three-ton assistant punches the Voss Nose’s pulsating neon throttle as we descend upon I-5 South, and the tin-toy harbingers of a worsening trade deficit which dare to surround us become but smudges on the crystalline windscreen. Within moments, we have left the glorious North Americas and arrive in deepest Chile, my compatriot nervously stroking erstwhile President Eduardo Ruiz-Tagle’s thigh as I struggle to escape this raging coma which the Voss Nose’s sheer thrust has set upon me. As our sound waves catch up with us seven hours later, there can be no further doubt: the ungodly speed of this motorcar is on par with even Tsutomu Hata, former Japanese Prime Minister and the fastest man on earth. If we show it the proper amount of respect, it will not harm us.

The Mossburster shares its platform with two other Noses – the Flambé Omega and the TyrranoChrome – but brings all-new running gear to the table. It’s 19-cylinder “Trans-Cranberry” radial engine is the first powerplant constructed entirely in a fictional land, and uses those loosely-interpreted laws of physics to deliver over 7000 horsepower even when not in use. This untold power comes at an environmental cost, as the Mossburster expels three long tons of mercury for every mile traveled, but as the car’s raw power makes it impossible to catch, this is considered unimportant.

The interior is built to a price, to be sure, but Voss Nose company representatives assure me that the price is more than my kind can afford. The seats are supportive, and even my three-ton man’s man assures me that his considerable bulk is laterally restrained throughout even the most reprehensibly reckless maneuver. He is a preternaturally large man. He would know. For heaven’s sake, this rum burns! Being a Voss Nose, the THX-rejected quad-stereo system is without earthly parallel, although the dulcet tones of Roger Daltrey are whipped and driven into oblivion by the unobstructed exhaust system crudely bolted to the fearsome Trans-Cranberry. The Rawhiiiide package is of questionable value, costing $7 and neither adding nor subtracting any discernible feature.

Most Earthlings, of weak frame and weaker constitution, will not be able to restrain the Mossburster as the speed climbs above 900 miles per hour, and will find themselves embedded in the moons of Jupiter as this accursed car strains against and breaks the bonds of our sweet planet. Those beasts of myth who are able to corral the automobile will find no solace in their accomplishment: the machine, with all its thrust, is able to travel so quickly that you will neither experience the drive nor anything in the world around you as you drive. A completed journey will weigh on your soul as does the gambling debt, or the IRS audit, as you will only sweat with the knowledge that you must once again submit yourself to the Mossburster when your puny dinner party comes to an end.

To most, the Mossburster is not worth the seven billion dollar entry fee. It is but an overpowered beast of legend; you will not learn its secrets. It is both a needless waste of the Earth’s precious iron reserves and a terrible amalgam of marketing and witchery. But to that rare consumer who submits his- or herself to the Voss Nose Company’s foul brew of insanity—their thirst for the blood of man—it represents a step forward not seen since the debut of the Boomtown Superbeast. Although this motorcar is a mediocre achiever in the fields of both comfort and sport, and the price tag makes it, in effect, unobtainable, the near-unlimited power afforded to the Mossburster’s buyer is without parallel. Undoubtedly one day, someone will possess this old, forgotten god, and we will fear him.

P. Claudius “Mad Dog” Gustav, reporting.