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Portiscule Motoring Gazette – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: In a joint announcement, Daimler AG chairman Dieter Zetsche and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu “Mad Dog” Hata announced an end to the Beatbox War, fought between the West German carmaker and Hata’s own Voss Nose Motoring Concern, with Mercedes-Benz accepting responsibility for hostilities and paying reparations to Voss Nose. The war started in 2003, when then-chairman of Daimler Jürgen Schrempp implied that Hata was the world’s least-fly emcee, with the first blood being shed when Hata drove a Voss Nose Mossburster through Mercedes’ Sindelfingen factory at over 3,000 mph, killing millions.
“I, now, state in the firmest possible terms that Hata Tsutomu, Nintoku Tennō, possesses untold skill on the mic’,” Zetsche began. “The acts of aggression perpetrated by my predecessor were unfortunate; indeed, we may not allow such things to happen again. Beyond that, however, we must accept that disputing the preeminence of Hata evidences hubris beyond measure; irrespective of the fact that he put the nose of a Chrysler 300C in my bed, my predecessor should have known better.”
Investor response to the news was mixed. “On the one hand, Voss Nose continues to sell cars at a record rate of over nine per year, at a profit of six billion dollars per unit,” extruded Konrad “Mad Dog” Zuse. “On the other hand, the tributes they were taking from conquered lands was equal to that, if not more; we’re going to need to see their sales numbers double to make up the shortfall.” Voss Nose shares rocketed up 144% in late trading, in fear of Tsutomu Hata’s iron fists.