“We must fight Gorlax” – Bob Lutz

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

H. Pinchsnapper’s Automotive Quarterly – Speaking to assembled press, GM whatever-he-is Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz acknowledged the presence of Gorlax, the hideous monster from parts unknown, and stressed the importance of finding and destroying him. “For too long, Gorlax has had free reign over our manufacturing centers, cities, and hemisphere,” Lutz stated. “To stop Gorlax will require the largest force humanity has yet assembled, big enough that you nancy-boy reporters cannot even conceive of it’s might. We will find the home of Gorlax—we will annihilate where he sleeps, we will annihilate where his children sleep, and we will annihilate Toyota City—the fuckers!”

Gorlax, through his publicists, responded that he “seeks only to rape,” and “is friend to all hu-mon with no holes.” The monster, of hideousness not before seen by human eyes, has been rampaging around the American mid-west for some time now, having come down from Canada in late May. “We thought he was just following Phish around,” said a Border Protection officer who did not wish to be named, “We did not know he was perversion made manifest.” Current efforts to stop Gorlax have failed, as he is impervious to all weapons, conventional or nuclear. “We’ve tried everything,” the Department of Defense claimed in a prepared statement. “The latest in airborne munitions haven’t worked so far. Predators, with their Hellfire missiles? No. AC-130s? No. JDAMs? No! The Butt Nuke? Gorlax liked the Butt Nuke.”

Lutz declined to describe his plans to defeat Gorlax in detail. “Listen, you commie runt, I got a B-52, 60,000 pounds of munitions, one forty-five caliber automatic, four days’ concentrated emergency rations, one miniature combination Russian phrasebook and Bible, one hundred dollars in Rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, one issue of prophylactics, and three pair of nylon stockings, and if those things don’t find themselves upside Gorlax’s head, they’re gonna find themselves upside yours, God-dammit.” Lutz has previously saved the world from three beasts from the abyss, having destroyed Nucrelix, Bob Dole, and The Ultramagnet.

Gorlax’s rampage continues; having destroyed Detroit, he now heads for the Twin Cities, which are in Minnesota or some place like that. Lutz’s private air force is based out of Las Vegas, NV, so it’s hoped that he will have time to assemble his strike team before Gorlax incinerates the continent.

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Portuguese Theatre Revue – PEORIA—Dearest God-King Mad Dog was presumed slain today by Gorlax the All-Biter at 4:03 AM, Imperial Saskatchewan time. Lutz’s B-52, “Daffodil,” was found upside Gorlax’s face with an empty cabin. Rescuers scoured the barren lands for several hours, but found only a torn pair of nylons and one of Lutz’s ivory-handled revolvers. Lutz is presumed to inhabit one of Gorlax’s innumerable colons, from which escape is unlikely and digestion is constant. We are left to hope that Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz will return, some day, when humanity is more deserving of his presence.

Stasi Annual Newsletter – Speaking to the assembled press, re-animated Chinese premier Hu “Geronimo” Jintao declared a day of national remembrance in honor of Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz, recently-departed GM whatever-he-was. “Lutz was as hungry for revenge as I am for Taiwan,” said Hu, “but I will carry the spirit of his iron jaw in my heart.” Lutz and Hu were no fans of each other, with Lutz famously mentioning that “On a scale of one to America, I will hit Jintao in the hojos with a nine-iron,” but their relations had normalized when Hu and Lutz signed a memorandum of understanding to fire Japan into the sun.

Hambyong Worker’s Gazette – Canadian Governor-Governor General-General Al Gore opened the Pepsi Canadian Football Canadian World Series with a touching (if decidedly worse than Dearest Comrade Kim Jong-Un’s) bagpipe solo in honor of presumably-deceased world emperor Bob “미친개” Lutz, capping off a nationwide series of depressing musical embarrassments. “This one goes out to Mad Dog,” the imperialist scum wept, as his disgusting Western instrument honked into the night. Over 30,000 Canadians were reported to have existed at the time.