Food Trucks of the Open West, #1: Codpiece Feeshbus.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

During the Great Depression, a tiny gentleman of unknown origin (having been fired from his job as a drill bit at Consolidated Telegraph & Armament) decided that the real money was on vehicles that have food within them, an unknown concept at the time. Fine society reacted with horror as the tiny gentleman carried ingredients on board his custom-made bus; shocked were those who witnessed him grilling a fish inside of it! However, within five years the name of Codpiece Feeshbus was known throughout the land (no doubt helped by its famous advertising slogan “Codpiece Feeshbos — Invast in Ameerica — eh fish BOS”), and it became but the first of a fleet of enfooded conveyances the likes of which had not been seen before, even by Lord Protector Saumarez. Thus, it is only fair that we begin our examination of food trucks of the Open West with the first — Codpiece Feeshbus.

The custom Feeshbus was constructed out of polyrods and unibars and The Colonel’s Own Dimensional Aluminum, such that the different levels could be scaled in realtime to meet customer demand. This allowed for the inclusion of three levels. The primary level, in the middle, is the bus’ raison d’être — the restaurant itself, complete with state-of-the-art freezing, cooking, and larking about facilities. It is strictly take-out, and offered no dining accommodations. The menu features family favorites such as glowing mackeral tongues, beer-battered hammerhead shark, and a charming mixture of endangered oysters and lead shot entitled “The Lieutenant’s Heartbeat.” The defining feature of Codpiece’s titular restaurant is a dish made by dumping 101 live sharks into a tank, and forcing them to fight until only one remains. The patron is then invited to eat the shark who killed a hundred other sharks. It is rumored that there exists a secret menu with a 1001-shark “eat a winner” dish, although nobody powerful enough to order such a thing has come forward to be interviewed.

Below Codpiece’s restaurant lies a satellite branch of renowned Stalinist nightclub Feis Kontrol, promising untold opulence for the select few patrons allowed in. After the fall of the USSR, the Feis Kontrol in Codpiece Feeshbus became the primary location, and attained independent fame as the home of Borislav’s Bathtub Wodkas VLLC., including Borislav’s Cubic Label, Borislav’s Theoretical Label, and the vaunted Borislav’s No Label, renowned for its ability to force a party situation in any terrain, not to mention its unparalleled ability to remove parasitic marine life from the hulls of cargo ships. Feis Kontrol was and remains notoriously selective, requiring potential patrons to demonstrate their peerless attractiveness, shocking wealth, and superhuman mental powers. It is rumored that Former Japanese Prime Minister’s Voss Nose Motoring Concern was founded to build tanks to destroy Codpiece Feeshbus after Hata was turned away by Feis Kontrol perimeter security forces, although Hata forgot about that goal and decided to start the Crimean War instead.

Lastly, the Feeshbus is topped by the office of Lawbear & Partners, one of the world’s pioneers in pastrami rights cases. The proprietor (also the owner of SAAB) and his cronies rented the space from the mysterious owner of the Feeshbus in 1981, after their success in Roginald v. Admiralty Processed Meats; Lawbear & Partners now receive five cents for every pastrami sandwich sold world-wide, and they use their remarkable wealth to ensure the availability of deli meats to all who crave them, regardless of race, status, or height.

Codpiece Feeshbus can generally be found on Saumarez Processional Boulevard, between Guadalarama St. and 44th, or across from the Terrordome during foot-to-ball season. This reviewer ranks their seafood highly, as his family is being held in the Feeshbus’ reactor core until this favorable review goes to print.

The Terror Grill

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

The Terror Grill may seem like a common-or-garden labor operation, but observe the careful disregard for the safety of the stoker, coalman, meatmaster, and hoister, and the way in which they are kept in a unitary tower well-away from the director and his or her guests. This allows for each worker to do their job in a most efficient manner, as well as providing for good visibility for the director, not to mention easy control of insurrection.

The meat elevator, center-weighted for stability, is generously-sized, and can accommodate 10 cows, 30 pigs, or 60 birds. Provision of the lifting chains is sufficient for this weight, and the sealed geartrain means that the hoistman can make minute adjustments to the meat elevator’s level with minimal effort. Also note how the provision of a stoker leaves the coalman to concentrate on provision and distribution of fuel, without needing to be distracted by concerns regarding airflow.

Truly, the Terror Grill represents a new frontier for the gustatory dictator. Alternatives, like the Stanislaus Webelo’s Delight, overwork the coalman and put the director in a much more vulnerable position, while not having the meat accommodations of the Terror Grill.

~

Ah, I have built the terror-grill using Science, which is worse than Art for drawing barbed wire and loudspeakers and a proper four-corner lift mechanism and bracing and the machine gun, but conveys scale better. Note how the backside of both the fuel platform and meat platforms are slanted, for ease of dumping-into using the truck.

That nonchalant man in the sweater and khakis could be you.

~

Originally Posted by Turbio!
Though admittedly, casual slacks and a sweater seems a bit low-key for a Director of Meat.

I like to imagine that this is an off-day — maybe the grill servants have been conscripted to help with the construction of an aqueduct or subterranean vault. So he has some free time to spend with his kids, and they’re like “Can you take us to see the Terror-Grill?” And he wants to, sure, because of course in this society direction of grill operations will be their job one day, too. So he goes ahead to clean up the place, make sure there’s diesel in the dump truck, and hide the bodies of any stokers who couldn’t make it through the last night’s feast-preparation. So he finishes up with the big stuff, and starts dinking around with the Grill — making sure the geartrain is oiled, sighting the guns, and so on. But then the rickshaw with his kids in it pulls up and he can see their faces pressed up against the glass, looking up at the sheer height of the Terror Grill. It’s the best thing in the world to them. And he can appreciate that, because it’s the best thing in the world to him too. So this is more of a “Casual Vacation Day Terror Grill Director” look, like out of a detergent commercial.

Ryugyong Int’l Motoring Expo: Voss Nose unveils the Trigoneuron-88, world’s first self-drunk-driving car.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

International Hovering Quarterly – Today, Voss Nose Chairman and Most Pretty Scientist Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Trigoneuron-88, the world’s first self-driving car able to function with a blood-alcohol level of up to 5.0%. Based on the company’s lightweight Terrestrapist volute-suspension chassis, the Trigoneuron-88 includes the company’s class-leading Portlethorax 24-cylinder radial engine and Infinizone hinged climate control windows, mated to a bioelectronic control system that Hata characterized as being “exactly like 24,000 68030s in a bucket with a duck brain.”

The Trigoneuron’s party piece is its high alcohol tolerance. “It is totally cool to drive right now, man,” Hata slurred. “You don’t even know. Just give me the keys back and I’ll totally show you. It hasn’t even had like one drink at all, man.” It is claimed that the Trigoneuron’s control system can function at levels of inebriation beyond the scope of mortal man. Proponents of self-driving cars have claimed that their widespread use represents a new frontier in road safety, but Voss Nose bosses claimed that further study was needed. “Those Google cars are total lightweights,” Hata claimed to the assembled press. “One glass of Laphroaig and the whole thing is up poop creek without a shittle, if you’ll pardon my French.” The Trigoneuron-88 is expected to be more popular with its friends than the Toyota-based Google proof-of-concept vehicles, and Voss Nose insists that the car-tank-yacht’s irresponsible behavior will make it popular with youth abroad. “We sold cars to Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, and Kim Jong-Un,” said Hata, “but with the Trigoneuron-88 we went back to the drawing board and thought about what we needed to do to sell cars to the next generation of dictator. They’re younger, they’re douchier, and less steeped in Stalinist Realism. We think the Trigoneuron represents the next leap forwards for our business.”

The assembled press’ reaction was tepid. Zwei Auto editor Moxlips XVI said “when people hear Voss Nose, they think of multi-billion dollar worldcrushers the size of Belgrade with the carbon footprint of Concatenated Serbia. Is the Trigoneuron really what that demographic wants?” CAR Magazine Greaheame Tongs agreed: “This is a car that, through it’s inebriated self-motoring, will certainly kill many hundreds of pedestrians. But doesn’t the average Voss Nose customer want the satisfaction of killing them himself?”

Consumer reaction remains to be groped; the Trigoneuron-88 goes on sale this epoch for 1.6 billion Guilders.

Vaddington L. Bear’s Big Swedish Car Business Day Out and whatever

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

 

Once upon a time there was a company called SAAB, and they lost their monies, or misplaced them, or at any rate they didn’t have any any more. This was a bad thing for SAAB, and they stopped making cars, which was what they did and I just didn’t mention it because the context should have made that clear. A million billion and seven-eighths miles a way, a young tycoon named Vaddington L. Bear Esq. woke up and realized that he had lots of monies! This made him very happy, and he decided to go absorb SAAB (whose troubles he had heard of using a wireless radio) into his moobclave and use his monies to help them.

When he got there, SAAB was all messed-up. The thingy had fallen off whatever and they had no beaver statues. Vaddington L. Bear Esq. tried yelling on-the-spot guidance at them, but that didn’t help. He decided that he would help SAAB by using his monies, despite the counter-revolutionary thought such an action would entail.

Unfortunately, Vaddington discovered that SAAB’s creditors (which is a thing imported from the decadent West, whereby foul goblins disrupt your self-reliance and have sex with your family) wouldn’t give SAAB to him! They wanted more monies—and they knew somebody with almost as much monies as Vaddington had…

Vaddington L. Bear disagreed.

After the creditors were dead, Vaddington marched right into the factory. “I have monies,” he announced, “Western imperialist monies!” The trolls inside jumped for joy, because now they could do the things they did before they ran out of their own monies—frolic and build cars and besmirch Volvo and race swans. They adored Vaddington, even though he ate a couple of them, and they crowned him the new Most-Equal of SAAB. He reigned over the People’s SAAB Construction and Marketing Combine no. 34 for a thousand years, with an iron fist and a loving claw, and the trolls lived happily ever after.

“We must fight Gorlax” – Bob Lutz

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

H. Pinchsnapper’s Automotive Quarterly – Speaking to assembled press, GM whatever-he-is Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz acknowledged the presence of Gorlax, the hideous monster from parts unknown, and stressed the importance of finding and destroying him. “For too long, Gorlax has had free reign over our manufacturing centers, cities, and hemisphere,” Lutz stated. “To stop Gorlax will require the largest force humanity has yet assembled, big enough that you nancy-boy reporters cannot even conceive of it’s might. We will find the home of Gorlax—we will annihilate where he sleeps, we will annihilate where his children sleep, and we will annihilate Toyota City—the fuckers!”

Gorlax, through his publicists, responded that he “seeks only to rape,” and “is friend to all hu-mon with no holes.” The monster, of hideousness not before seen by human eyes, has been rampaging around the American mid-west for some time now, having come down from Canada in late May. “We thought he was just following Phish around,” said a Border Protection officer who did not wish to be named, “We did not know he was perversion made manifest.” Current efforts to stop Gorlax have failed, as he is impervious to all weapons, conventional or nuclear. “We’ve tried everything,” the Department of Defense claimed in a prepared statement. “The latest in airborne munitions haven’t worked so far. Predators, with their Hellfire missiles? No. AC-130s? No. JDAMs? No! The Butt Nuke? Gorlax liked the Butt Nuke.”

Lutz declined to describe his plans to defeat Gorlax in detail. “Listen, you commie runt, I got a B-52, 60,000 pounds of munitions, one forty-five caliber automatic, four days’ concentrated emergency rations, one miniature combination Russian phrasebook and Bible, one hundred dollars in Rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, one issue of prophylactics, and three pair of nylon stockings, and if those things don’t find themselves upside Gorlax’s head, they’re gonna find themselves upside yours, God-dammit.” Lutz has previously saved the world from three beasts from the abyss, having destroyed Nucrelix, Bob Dole, and The Ultramagnet.

Gorlax’s rampage continues; having destroyed Detroit, he now heads for the Twin Cities, which are in Minnesota or some place like that. Lutz’s private air force is based out of Las Vegas, NV, so it’s hoped that he will have time to assemble his strike team before Gorlax incinerates the continent.

~

Portuguese Theatre Revue – PEORIA—Dearest God-King Mad Dog was presumed slain today by Gorlax the All-Biter at 4:03 AM, Imperial Saskatchewan time. Lutz’s B-52, “Daffodil,” was found upside Gorlax’s face with an empty cabin. Rescuers scoured the barren lands for several hours, but found only a torn pair of nylons and one of Lutz’s ivory-handled revolvers. Lutz is presumed to inhabit one of Gorlax’s innumerable colons, from which escape is unlikely and digestion is constant. We are left to hope that Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz will return, some day, when humanity is more deserving of his presence.

Stasi Annual Newsletter – Speaking to the assembled press, re-animated Chinese premier Hu “Geronimo” Jintao declared a day of national remembrance in honor of Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz, recently-departed GM whatever-he-was. “Lutz was as hungry for revenge as I am for Taiwan,” said Hu, “but I will carry the spirit of his iron jaw in my heart.” Lutz and Hu were no fans of each other, with Lutz famously mentioning that “On a scale of one to America, I will hit Jintao in the hojos with a nine-iron,” but their relations had normalized when Hu and Lutz signed a memorandum of understanding to fire Japan into the sun.

Hambyong Worker’s Gazette – Canadian Governor-Governor General-General Al Gore opened the Pepsi Canadian Football Canadian World Series with a touching (if decidedly worse than Dearest Comrade Kim Jong-Un’s) bagpipe solo in honor of presumably-deceased world emperor Bob “미친개” Lutz, capping off a nationwide series of depressing musical embarrassments. “This one goes out to Mad Dog,” the imperialist scum wept, as his disgusting Western instrument honked into the night. Over 30,000 Canadians were reported to have existed at the time.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Voss Nose unveils Plesiopheonix-XX, world’s first car with peasant filter.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Sex Farm Woman Herald-Tribune – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking via saucy hologram, Voss Nose CEO and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Plesiopheonix-XX, a new sporting coupé with environmental credentials lacking from previous Voss Noses. Pairing the company’s Itchy Emperor platform with the wrought-iron V20 “Superthorax” motor, the Plesiopheonix represents a new econo-pervert direction for the company.

“At first, I wasn’t sure where I was,” Hata noted, “and then I realized I was at the motor show. Hello, lady. We’re very excited by the Plesiopheonix’s new technology. Commonly, when driving through urban, rural, or terrestrial areas, one’s motoring carriage will suck up a lot of peasants, which can really gum up the engine after a few thousand miles. That’s bad for milage. What we do is install a special filter in the intakes that uses combined layers of cable TV, compelling retail outlets, and public schools to trap any peasants that might enter the engine bay. It then puts them to work on internal improvements to each Plesiopheonix. This represents an exciting new frontier in enviro-conscious motoring; the more peasants you can trap inside your engine bay, the nicer your Plesiopheonix will become.”

Hata did not respond to charges that the 84-foot Plesiopheonix-XX was simply the latest in his series of attempts to impress actress Catalina Sandino “Mad Dog” Moreno, instead pointing out the car’s other features, including neural network turn signals and rear braking array composed of 96,000 drum brakes. Voss Nose plans to offer the Plesiopheonix beginning in Q2 ’12, with prices starting at 144 billion yuan.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Hyodong unveils Semiplus GLX, a new version of the car that nobody loved.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Grandmaster Flash Shimbun – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking at an after-hours Shriner’s meeting whilst wearing a saucy leotard, Hyodong chairwoman Jeong-Ah “Mad Dog” Cheon unveiled the new GLX option package for the company’s flagship Semiplus sedan, a car which has failed to gain mention of any sort, anywhere.

“Over two out of every ninety million Westerners are aware that the Semiplus exists,” Cheon stated, “and the new GLX is sure to please that existing fanbase by providing the features our customer desires, at a price he can afford.” The GLX now includes features like power brakes, laminated glass, and rear-window defroster, previously only found in the Semiplus GLS, GLK, DL, and DLX. Additionally, the Semiplus comes in colors like Bright Sepia, Reflective Green, and Mustache. Chairwoman Cheon expressed hopes that the GLX would expand the Semiplus’ owner demographics into “exciting new areas.”

The company’s current demographic, a 46 year-old white male from Sioux City, IA named Ron, reported mixed feelings to the news. “My wife mentioned seeing an article that says Korean cars are good now,” Ron said, “so I got this one. I couldn’t afford one from South Korea. So you said there’s a new one?” The Semiplus that Ron owns, the GLT, continues to be sold.

Response in the motoring press was similarly absent. “The what? I don’t get it,” commented hirsute journalist Wladyslaw “Mad Dog” Orlicz, while CAR Magazine editor Graehaemee “Mad Dog” Waxlips insisted that we leave his skybox.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Mercedes chief Zetsche and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Hata declare Beatbox War “over.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Portiscule Motoring Gazette – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: In a joint announcement, Daimler AG chairman Dieter Zetsche and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu “Mad Dog” Hata announced an end to the Beatbox War, fought between the West German carmaker and Hata’s own Voss Nose Motoring Concern, with Mercedes-Benz accepting responsibility for hostilities and paying reparations to Voss Nose. The war started in 2003, when then-chairman of Daimler Jürgen Schrempp implied that Hata was the world’s least-fly emcee, with the first blood being shed when Hata drove a Voss Nose Mossburster through Mercedes’ Sindelfingen factory at over 3,000 mph, killing millions.

“I, now, state in the firmest possible terms that Hata Tsutomu, Nintoku Tennō, possesses untold skill on the mic’,” Zetsche began. “The acts of aggression perpetrated by my predecessor were unfortunate; indeed, we may not allow such things to happen again. Beyond that, however, we must accept that disputing the preeminence of Hata evidences hubris beyond measure; irrespective of the fact that he put the nose of a Chrysler 300C in my bed, my predecessor should have known better.”

Investor response to the news was mixed. “On the one hand, Voss Nose continues to sell cars at a record rate of over nine per year, at a profit of six billion dollars per unit,” extruded Konrad “Mad Dog” Zuse. “On the other hand, the tributes they were taking from conquered lands was equal to that, if not more; we’re going to need to see their sales numbers double to make up the shortfall.” Voss Nose shares rocketed up 144% in late trading, in fear of Tsutomu Hata’s iron fists.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Stanislaus unveils world’s first “hostel car.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Ugly Babies Gazette Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Stanislaus Motoring unveiled the Roomadero 88, the world’s first cost-saving “hostel car,” in a special presentation earlier today. With two stories, a shared bathroom, and a “suspect” kitchen, the Roomadero 88 will utilize the cost-saving principle of the hostel to lower the entry cost for buyers, claims Stanislaus CEO Bob “Mad Dog” Ssssanchez. “It’s great,” said Ssssanchez, “We can leverage different cost-saving opportunities in each area the Roomadero 88 will be sold in. In most North American markets, the Roomadero will come equipped with German backpackers who can and will tell you what’s wrong with the US. Meanwhile, the Western European-market Roomadero will feature Americans who are just in the car to “Y’know, find themselves or whatever. Really get in touch with some stuff, I guess.” In both cases, we pass the savings on to the consumer. Sometimes the German won’t get out of your seat. It’s great.”

Industry insiders present at the event were less impressed. “I appreciate that getting a modern, comfortable car to market at a competitive price is incredibly important in these economic conditions,” wheezed Lambert “Mad Dog” Meertens of former automaker-turned-charnel house Chrysler, “But having a permanent unruly visitor in one’s car might be an unlivable proposition for consumers. While driving the CARB-spec press model today, my Japanese tenant kept asking me if the Golden Gate Bridge was nearby. I can’t see this catching on.”

Despite any possible issues, Stanislaus representatives say that they plan to launch the Roomadero 88 by the end of the year, citing a need to “move on” after the failure of the Stanislaus Newtly, the world’s first land-hydrofoil.

Ryugyong Motor Show: VW insiders can’t tell what Ferdinand Piëch still does there, fear him anyway.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

STYLE CROATIA ZZNAZ MAGAZINE OF MONTH – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Despite Volkswagen’s onslaught of concept cars at this year’s RIME, VW insiders claim that the marque’s slate of upcoming vehicles is bare. While concerns over tooling and marketing costs in the ongoing recession are partly to blame, our sources claim it’s mostly because the ongoing presence of former CEO Ferdinand Piëch in VW HQ has ceaselessly bewildered staffers, unsure of how much power he wields over them or what his actual function is there.

“I can’t figure out what he does here anymore, but he’s always hovering around the studio,” claimed designer Aristides “Mad Dog” Brezina, who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes I’ll be working, and Piëch will suddenly emerge from my desk drawer.” Others at Volkswagen share similar concerns. Said Tatyana “Mad Dog” Ehrenfest, “[Piëch] won’t stop IMing me. He will not stop. I asked him to stop, and he said that he is not Piëch, and also that he is watching me. I do not want my children to be motherless, so I pretend to work harder, and then cry.”

VW’s public relations department noted that, while Martin Winterkorn is officially the Chairman and CEO of Volkswagen AG, Piëch “retains an indeterminate amount of control. He won’t leave, but—will we be fired for saying this? It is unclear. Even Winterkorn does not know. Oh God, there’s Piëch.” VW AG shares gained traction in early trading today, for mysterious reasons.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Bob Lutz briefly mentions Voltec platform, “dares you to say that to his face.”

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

World Bananadon Monthly – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking to the press at the General Motors press conference, Vice Chairman Bob Lutz introduced the exciting opportunities that GM’s forthcoming Voltec platform presents for three minutes, and then demonstrated his power by tearing up the podium and throwing it at “those French pansies” manning the nearby Aston Martin booth. Fielding questions from reporters on the series hybrid architecture, Lutz noted that AP automotive correspondent Henry Crun should “just get up here and try saying that to my face,” before taking off his shirt and ending the press conference.

Lutz’s behavior confused industry analysts, in light of GM President and CEO Fritz Henderson’s recent departure. “We had assumed that Henderson’s departure was due to board pressure, particularly from chair Ed Whitacre,” said Brian “Mad Dog” Kernighan, of investment firm Int, Argc, & Char, “but according to the graffiti left by Lutz on the side of Ford World Headquarters, Henderson left because he was, and I quote, a “pansy midget chump,” who lived in fear of Lutz’s “iron fists.” Lutz’s actions at the Ryugyong show today support this.”

General Motors representatives could not be reached for comment on either matter, until Lutz drove through the wall of our office in a 2010 Cadillac CTS-V and demanded to know if any of us “little Chinamen” thought we could “take him.”

Ryugyong Motor Show: Hyundai knows your darkest secrets and deepest fears, claims Hyundai CFO

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

North Felt-Town Printed Letters – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Hyundai CFO Chung Tae-hwan took the stage today to announce that Hyundai knows your darkest secrets and deepest fears. “Yes, we forecast that the Genesis Coupé will make great inroads into Nissan’s coupé marketshare,” he began, “but moreover, we forecast that your resistance to the well-built, reliable Hyundai Coupé will crumble as we plague your waking moments with the foul demons that haunt you in the depths of your lonely slumber. Our Kia subsidiary’s fun, funky new Soul will fill your driveway with some Korean funkiness as your spirit breaks under the strain of sharing your most horrifying secrets with our R&D department.”

When questioned what Hyundai Motor Company would be using the information for, Chung threatened to write the press corps’ names in red ink, and summoned three dozen Hyundai HA006 welding robots to end the press conference by any means necessary.

Industry analyst and professional mosaicist Dr. H. Mad Dog Lutz noted that, “While it remains unclear how Hyundai developed the technology to haunt our very dreams, I can’t afford to let the public to know what happened that fateful summer – have you checked out the value-packed 2009 Elantra?”