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Tag: drawing
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Codex Saumarez II
I will tell you one story of El Generalissimo Ernesto R. “Mad Dog” Saumarez, Uniter of the Americas and Guardian of the Red Shield.
In his youth, El Heneral Saumarez lived, for a time, in Sanyo Presents Rocas de Santo Domingo. This small village in the heart of the Southern Americas was well-regarded for its cuisine and the pleasant, husky voices of all its residents, particularly the infants. . . but it was also a cursed hamlet. For underneath the town, in the depths of the Lithium Mines, there was trouble—in their hunger for lithium, the Chileans dug too greedily, and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness underneath the Cordillera de Mahuidanchi, for it is common knowledge now. At the time, though, not even Saumarez knew. But once a week, in the darkest part of the Sea-Goose Week, a million giant bats would shoot out of elevator shafts across the tiny village, chew off the nipples of anyone they could find, take a quick break, and then die.
El Heneral Saumarez, Protector of the United Seas, was not a fan of the Underdark Bats and their nipple-hungry ways. He called upon his assistant, a young Wibbles Hugo, to help him outfit an Under-Ground Expedition, the aim of which would be to find the home of the bats and destroy it. Working late into the night, the team of man and Super-Man created an early prototype of the device which Wind-Tamer Saumarez would use to conquer The Salvadors twenty years later—the Mole-Tank! This contraption was a tank with the world’s largest drill bit on its backside; where tank barrel and machine guns and steel treads could not forge a path, the tank could merely drive in reverse, and burrow through matter organic or in-. A fantastic sort of device.
The pair clambered into the beastly vehicle, and El Heneral Saumarez set a course for the Lithium Mines. “Let us descend!” he said, and descend they did; several weeks of drilling passed slowly until suddenly, the Mole-Tank broke through into a giant cavern. As its sodium superlamps clicked on, Saumarez and Hugo could see more and more eggs—a million eggs, each filled with a fetal giant nipple-fevered bat! At the center, a slugulous mother bat lay, producing even more eggs as she sat. “Sir, so many of them! So, so many!” Hugo cried, “Not enough bullets! “I am Saumarez,” El Heneral Vanadioso replied. He opened the main gun’s loading hatch removed the armor-piercing rocket shell’s warhead, and put in its place a single hair, plucked from his own head. Re-chambering the round, he swung the main gun around and fired at the center of the mother bat. The shell lodged itself in her chitinous plating, and grew white-hot—and all of a sudden, a million Saumarez-hairs burst from the shell, each of them spearing one bat-egg! The last, original hair sprung out last, growing and wrapping itself around the neck of the mother bat.
Generalissimo Saumarez saw her writhe, and reversed the tank into her chest, the giant mole-blade spraying bat goo everywhere. “Sir, her death already comes. . . your hair is magical, let us not waste the mole-blade’s power,” Hugo said. “I am Saumarez,” replied Saumarez, as bat purée sloshed over the tank’s uncompromising body. The two returned to the surface, and the residents of Sanyo Presents Rocas de Santo Domingo immediately crowned Saumarez their king. “I was already your king,” said Saumarez, “but I will bless you all nevertheless, at a later date.”
Hail Saumarez! May his chronicles never end!
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Forgot if Already
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Somp
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An Afternoon with the Commission
As the world’s first unelected body created to prevent our knees falling off and being eaten by robot dogs which they also created, the Koninklijke Commissie voor Sprodj Reclamation holds a special place in the hearts of all hideous/attractive people. “Please hold our hands,” they will say! Their hands are weird and diseased.
It is because they have too much of the internal sprodj workery. And that is why the Commissie was brought into being. These people must be located, and then we must attach gigantic hoses to them in order to remove the sprodj. Or add sprodj. Changing sprodj levels is next to godliness, and cures certain diseases, like incurable tooth, lesbianism, and literacy.
Founded in 1891, during the reign of Queen Wilhelmina, the Commissie was originally conceived as an elaborate scheme to get its members into movies, which had reached the Netherlands two years earlier disguised as as microscopes. Marikje Lürssen-SuperKrupp was gazing wistfully through one of these fake microscopes, which was actually a movie she was not invited to participate in the creation of, when she saw a minute flickr of incandescent mega-particle—the sprodj! She immediately learned all of its properties by writing a Wikipedia article on it, contacted the Queen, and founded the KCvSR to regulate this new resource.
That is but the first part of the tale. The first couple of years of the Commissie were difficult, as nobody had yet invented hoses giant enough, or sprodj pumps with enough gusto, or Belgians (to practice on). Throughout the last years of the 19th Century, the organization struggled to regulate sprodj levels throughout the Netherlands, and was unable to establish any foreign offices. These were the dark years. Horse-operated Sprodj Pumps, unpadded handcuffs for the operations, hoses made out of smaller hoses which had been stretched. Sprodj levels went unregulated. But fortune favors the Commissie, and upon her death in 1901, Queen Victoria had bequeathed her entire fortune to the KCvSR, such that they might alter sprodj levels across the land. This unimaginable windfall allowed the organization to increase their size by 7.8 orders of magnitude. But the next decade was to be more trying than the last. . .
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Palate-cleanser
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Doee
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Fußball mit Ronaldinho: The Fat-Salts
Cooking is easy. Cut two potatoes into eighths, fry in lots of olive oil until they’re gold-brown, add lemon and pepper seasoning. And have some crackle-sausage and a frozen Frappuccino as well. Cooking is easy!
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Tpat
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Tales of Velour
Beginning in 1977, hydrogen-core band Korea Slim, composed of immortal Texarkanian refugee Cheon Eun-Kyung and a rotating core of session musicians, began releasing centennial compilations entitled “Our 13 Greatest Explosions,” featuring new and old hits in 3D. The first and second editions were well-received, and Eun-Kyung became a minor deity world-wide.
However, the release of the 2177 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” caused mass protests across Asia-Sud, with the main complaint being that the band members of Korea Slim did not pay proper homage to their hydrogen-core forebears, Laotian sound collective haxaFUEGO. Eun-Kyung’s statues were torn down across the region, and she canceled all of Korea Slim’s Vietnamese concert dates out of concern that their new level of bass might cause the country to sink beneath the waves. haxaFUEGO, having been a conceptual art project that never released any music or even existed in the first place, did not comment. Korea Slim’s immortality defused the controversy, when everyone who cared died.
By the time the 2277 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” was ready for distribution, Korea Slim had lost none of their status, and a planet was named after them in the Fardeep Colonies. However, Eun-Kyung was hesitant to emigrate, noting that if she left Earth, she would renounce her family’s claim to the leadership of the Bob Directorate. Desperate for a ticket off the Pale Blue Dot, her session musicians banded together and, after a late-night rehearsal at the Sagrada Familia, descended upon Eun-Kyung with knives and clubs. Later testimony suggests that she was stabbed over 700 times. However, in the melee, her body disappeared, and no record of it has surfaced since. All Korea Slim servers and repositories went down immediately, and the band has not been heard from since.
As the presumptive release date of the fifth collection of Explosions approaches, the worlds wait with bated breath; will 2377 O.Y. bring a new Korea Slim CD, or will the labyrinthine halls beneath Neo-Daejeon remain dark? Watch the countdown to the new year live on Empire Broadcast Net.
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Hoap
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Hauu
