An Afternoon with the Commission

As the world’s first unelected body created to prevent our knees falling off and being eaten by robot dogs which they also created, the Koninklijke Commissie voor Sprodj Reclamation holds a special place in the hearts of all hideous/attractive people. “Please hold our hands,” they will say! Their hands are weird and diseased.

It is because they have too much of the internal sprodj workery. And that is why the Commissie was brought into being. These people must be located, and then we must attach gigantic hoses to them in order to remove the sprodj. Or add sprodj. Changing sprodj levels is next to godliness, and cures certain diseases, like incurable tooth, lesbianism, and literacy.

Founded in 1891, during the reign of Queen Wilhelmina, the Commissie was originally conceived as an elaborate scheme to get its members into movies, which had reached the Netherlands two years earlier disguised as as microscopes. Marikje Lürssen-SuperKrupp was gazing wistfully through one of these fake microscopes, which was actually a movie she was not invited to participate in the creation of, when she saw a minute flickr of incandescent mega-particle—the sprodj! She immediately learned all of its properties by writing a Wikipedia article on it, contacted the Queen, and founded the KCvSR to regulate this new resource.

That is but the first part of the tale. The first couple of years of the Commissie were difficult, as nobody had yet invented hoses giant enough, or sprodj pumps with enough gusto, or Belgians (to practice on). Throughout the last years of the 19th Century, the organization struggled to regulate sprodj levels throughout the Netherlands, and was unable to establish any foreign offices. These were the dark years. Horse-operated Sprodj Pumps, unpadded handcuffs for the operations, hoses made out of smaller hoses which had been stretched. Sprodj levels went unregulated. But fortune favors the Commissie, and upon her death in 1901, Queen Victoria had bequeathed her entire fortune to the KCvSR, such that they might alter sprodj levels across the land. This unimaginable windfall allowed the organization to increase their size by 7.8 orders of magnitude. But the next decade was to be more trying than the last. . .

Tales of Intrigue

We will all, at one time, attempt to be Dr. Gregory’s wingman as he approaches HRH Dingbat Yamada. The importance of this event is apparent and amazing; Dr. Gregory will find love. But Dr. Gregory is a winged beast, and has two wings already. He is the scion of Tourniquet, Ostrich of the Nine Winds, and his ninth wife Amandine, which means that he does not typically need wing-assistance.

HRH Dingbat Yamada is a different story, however. She has no wings, because she is one of the famed Mole-esses of Crete. So, it’s possible that Dr. Gregory will need two wing-men. He may woo HRH Dingbat Yamada by giving her his wings, and that’s where the two new ones would come in. Of course, HRH Dingbat Yamada is also Japanese, so he may not need wing-corporals, as she may be wooed by a Louis Vuitton bag. But, it is possible that Dr. Gregory does not know this, so there’d be an opening for a wingman who might enlighten him. We have thus established that Dr. Gregory needs zero, one, or two wing-men.

If he were to be told that HRH Dingbat Yamada would like a handbag and give her his wings, he would have used a total of three wing-men, which is even more promising for you assembled teeming weirdos. A fourth might be able to insinuate himself upon their pairing by offering his services as a shoe-shine boy. This is, however, a risky proposition because Dr. Gregory does not wear shoes, and HRH Dingbat Yamada wears a single iron boot which she guards with her life; the fourth prospective winged man would need to establish a pre-existing friendship, guardianship, and power of attorney-ship with her before Dr. Gregory would even consider taking him on.

Numbers of wing-men above four are precipitously unlikely; wing-gifts, Vuitton-informing, and shoe-shining are the three most likely pursuits for young lovers in this ninth century of ours, so there just isn’t that much room. Perhaps, perhaps Dr. Gregory could employ a fifth as a hat, or a stole… it is unclear, but unlikely.
Glory to he who aileron-assistancy seeks!

Tales of Velour

Beginning in 1977, hydrogen-core band Korea Slim, composed of immortal Texarkanian refugee Cheon Eun-Kyung and a rotating core of session musicians, began releasing centennial compilations entitled “Our 13 Greatest Explosions,” featuring new and old hits in 3D. The first and second editions were well-received, and Eun-Kyung became a minor deity world-wide.
However, the release of the 2177 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” caused mass protests across Asia-Sud, with the main complaint being that the band members of Korea Slim did not pay proper homage to their hydrogen-core forebears, Laotian sound collective haxaFUEGO. Eun-Kyung’s statues were torn down across the region, and she canceled all of Korea Slim’s Vietnamese concert dates out of concern that their new level of bass might cause the country to sink beneath the waves. haxaFUEGO, having been a conceptual art project that never released any music or even existed in the first place, did not comment. Korea Slim’s immortality defused the controversy, when everyone who cared died.
By the time the 2277 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” was ready for distribution, Korea Slim had lost none of their status, and a planet was named after them in the Fardeep Colonies. However, Eun-Kyung was hesitant to emigrate, noting that if she left Earth, she would renounce her family’s claim to the leadership of the Bob Directorate. Desperate for a ticket off the Pale Blue Dot, her session musicians banded together and, after a late-night rehearsal at the Sagrada Familia, descended upon Eun-Kyung with knives and clubs. Later testimony suggests that she was stabbed over 700 times. However, in the melee, her body disappeared, and no record of it has surfaced since. All Korea Slim servers and repositories went down immediately, and the band has not been heard from since.
As the presumptive release date of the fifth collection of Explosions approaches, the worlds wait with bated breath; will 2377 O.Y. bring a new Korea Slim CD, or will the labyrinthine halls beneath Neo-Daejeon remain dark? Watch the countdown to the new year live on Empire Broadcast Net.

Codex Saumarez

I will tell you two stories of El Generalissimo Ernesto R. “Mad Dog” Saumarez, Uniter of the Americas and Guardian of the Red Shield.

Antarctica was originally connected to South America by a wide land bridge, which was used by Perjtak, King of the Southern Seals, as a smuggling route. Perjtak’s influence began to spread northwards, and El Heneral Saumarez (who was, at that time, merely Guardian of The Chiles and The Tamer of Brazilia) took note. He knew he could not mount an attack on Perjtak’s citadel at the South Pole, as there was not a man in Saumarez’s army who was his equal, and temperatures at that time regularly reached Absolute Zero. “The world, she betrays me!” Saumarez thought to himself.

The situation grew more and more annoying. “The world betrays me,” said Saumarez, “but I may shape the world!” He walked south, towering over the mountains, crashing through the fields, and came to a place where the world began to grow more ugly, more… Antarctic-ey. “This is where the world ends,” Saumarez declared. He pulled out his Police Special and shot the ground, once. That hole began to erode more and more, and the waves crashed in as the ground subsided. Within a week, there was a fiendish ocean where the land bridge once was, and Perjtak was cut off from civilization. The end of the Southern Americas is now called “Tierra del Fuego,” in tribute to the power of Saumarez.

Things were peaceful. Then, two years later, while on patrol, Saumarez spied a Septapus cruising at 12,000 feet. He engaged it, and the Septapus banked to attack. Septapus attacks are heavily traditionalized, as noted by P. Q. Rellbudine OBE in his book “Dogfighting Practices of the Tentacled Ones.” They will make head-on approaches to maximize closing speed, then—just as their adversary passes them—they will vent their forward gas bladders to equalize speed and expel their deadly aft ink. The ideal human defense is “THE KRUGER TWIST,” where one engages the tentaculo in its preferred head-on position, but flies inverted. As the pass occurs and the tentaculo vents its gas bladders, one makes an inverted loop. This puts the fast part of a loop first (as opposed to a non-inverted loop), and the slow, climbing portion brings one’s guns to bear on the octopus as it reorients to confirm its kill.

El Heneral knew this. He flew straight at the Septapus, .50-caliber machine guns blazing, but steered right at the Septapus’s oncoming purple dome. He ejected as the two were five feet away going a combined 2400 KM/h, and floated down to Saumarez-Sud Airbase, where his martini awaited him. “El Heneral, why did you not just perform THE KRUGER TWIST, and make another pass?” his crew chief and tertiary beatbox asked. “Wladimir. Cowards make two passes. I make one pass. I am Saumarez,” Saumarez said, and took a nap.

Hail Saumarez! May his chronicles never end!