Dumb Stuff

Get the Oats, Grab the Oats

If I taped it together right, it’ll give oats to horses…horses in need. Most of the design was subcontracted out, but basically it’s got a few places where fire comes out, a brain made of SGI Octanes I found in a hole, and a whole bunch of winches. With all this in mind, I flicked the switch to turn it on. Its one red eye glowed to life. Suddenly, the sky was torn in half, screaming, by stabs of searing white lightning. Children died. Thousands of people slept alone. The rats! I lost my car keys. With a deep rumble that shook the Earth to its core, the machine rose to tower above me.



I arrived to find that the Oatey Barn had been almost completely bought out of oats. I bought a squeezy chicken dog toy, because they’re every bit as good as the ones made for humans, and left, following the oat machine down the main road and into the hills. It had made its way to Horsey Barn, the rural hangout of the well-to-do. I could see its red fuselage, vaguely reminiscent of a huge cereal box with a can of soda taped to the back, towering over those stupid, stupid horses. It began to give them oats as they stared pessimistically back at the 200 foot robot.

It started peaceably enough. It deposited a small pile of oats at the feet of all the horses. Another pile, and another. The horses, becoming full, stopped eating. This angered the machine, which in the interim I had named Freddy, and Freddy began shooting oats. Not in any general direction, mind you, just everywhere. Small birds scattered through the dry grass as the oats kicked up dust all around them. The horses scattered, unable to combine their powers to form the SuperMule and mount an effective resistance. I took cover behind my Dodge Melonnaise and hoped for the best.