The first step is to surprise a cephalopod. A captive cephalopod is no good as they live in a constant state of wonderment at their captors, the bipeds, and so their ink defense produces something closer in spirit to sliced pork. No, my friends; you must go below the ocean’s first two layers (the “chump layers”) and dive deep into the tubelcaine. This is where cephalopods feel at home.

I am a bivalve! You are a bivalve! But although we may disagree on matters which do not concern the separation of the Two Valves, surely you agree that the rich consistency of an octupus’ ink has nothing on the squeezings of noble Dodecaphles, patron saint of the overly grabby. In the tubelcaine, we will find peace. Together, we will be banned from all fountain pen forums.