Tales of Velour

Beginning in 1977, hydrogen-core band Korea Slim, composed of immortal Texarkanian refugee Cheon Eun-Kyung and a rotating core of session musicians, began releasing centennial compilations entitled “Our 13 Greatest Explosions,” featuring new and old hits in 3D. The first and second editions were well-received, and Eun-Kyung became a minor deity world-wide.
However, the release of the 2177 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” caused mass protests across Asia-Sud, with the main complaint being that the band members of Korea Slim did not pay proper homage to their hydrogen-core forebears, Laotian sound collective haxaFUEGO. Eun-Kyung’s statues were torn down across the region, and she canceled all of Korea Slim’s Vietnamese concert dates out of concern that their new level of bass might cause the country to sink beneath the waves. haxaFUEGO, having been a conceptual art project that never released any music or even existed in the first place, did not comment. Korea Slim’s immortality defused the controversy, when everyone who cared died.
By the time the 2277 edition of “Our 13 Greatest Explosions” was ready for distribution, Korea Slim had lost none of their status, and a planet was named after them in the Fardeep Colonies. However, Eun-Kyung was hesitant to emigrate, noting that if she left Earth, she would renounce her family’s claim to the leadership of the Bob Directorate. Desperate for a ticket off the Pale Blue Dot, her session musicians banded together and, after a late-night rehearsal at the Sagrada Familia, descended upon Eun-Kyung with knives and clubs. Later testimony suggests that she was stabbed over 700 times. However, in the melee, her body disappeared, and no record of it has surfaced since. All Korea Slim servers and repositories went down immediately, and the band has not been heard from since.
As the presumptive release date of the fifth collection of Explosions approaches, the worlds wait with bated breath; will 2377 O.Y. bring a new Korea Slim CD, or will the labyrinthine halls beneath Neo-Daejeon remain dark? Watch the countdown to the new year live on Empire Broadcast Net.

Codex Saumarez

I will tell you two stories of El Generalissimo Ernesto R. “Mad Dog” Saumarez, Uniter of the Americas and Guardian of the Red Shield.

Antarctica was originally connected to South America by a wide land bridge, which was used by Perjtak, King of the Southern Seals, as a smuggling route. Perjtak’s influence began to spread northwards, and El Heneral Saumarez (who was, at that time, merely Guardian of The Chiles and The Tamer of Brazilia) took note. He knew he could not mount an attack on Perjtak’s citadel at the South Pole, as there was not a man in Saumarez’s army who was his equal, and temperatures at that time regularly reached Absolute Zero. “The world, she betrays me!” Saumarez thought to himself.

The situation grew more and more annoying. “The world betrays me,” said Saumarez, “but I may shape the world!” He walked south, towering over the mountains, crashing through the fields, and came to a place where the world began to grow more ugly, more… Antarctic-ey. “This is where the world ends,” Saumarez declared. He pulled out his Police Special and shot the ground, once. That hole began to erode more and more, and the waves crashed in as the ground subsided. Within a week, there was a fiendish ocean where the land bridge once was, and Perjtak was cut off from civilization. The end of the Southern Americas is now called “Tierra del Fuego,” in tribute to the power of Saumarez.

Things were peaceful. Then, two years later, while on patrol, Saumarez spied a Septapus cruising at 12,000 feet. He engaged it, and the Septapus banked to attack. Septapus attacks are heavily traditionalized, as noted by P. Q. Rellbudine OBE in his book “Dogfighting Practices of the Tentacled Ones.” They will make head-on approaches to maximize closing speed, then—just as their adversary passes them—they will vent their forward gas bladders to equalize speed and expel their deadly aft ink. The ideal human defense is “THE KRUGER TWIST,” where one engages the tentaculo in its preferred head-on position, but flies inverted. As the pass occurs and the tentaculo vents its gas bladders, one makes an inverted loop. This puts the fast part of a loop first (as opposed to a non-inverted loop), and the slow, climbing portion brings one’s guns to bear on the octopus as it reorients to confirm its kill.

El Heneral knew this. He flew straight at the Septapus, .50-caliber machine guns blazing, but steered right at the Septapus’s oncoming purple dome. He ejected as the two were five feet away going a combined 2400 KM/h, and floated down to Saumarez-Sud Airbase, where his martini awaited him. “El Heneral, why did you not just perform THE KRUGER TWIST, and make another pass?” his crew chief and tertiary beatbox asked. “Wladimir. Cowards make two passes. I make one pass. I am Saumarez,” Saumarez said, and took a nap.

Hail Saumarez! May his chronicles never end!

Job Hunting

 

– Force-fed Warren Harding live ferrets and wombats until Harding exploded in a shower of nickels and quarters.
– Kidnapped novelist Virginia Woolf using a time-exposure suit designed by novelist Emily Brontë.

– Built the world’s first intra-thoracic model railway whilst moonlighting as an intensive care surgeon.
– Fired by the Oregon-Northwest Steam-Rail Company for using the telegraph to repeatedly broadcast “WENIS (STOP) OR WENUS??(STOP)” for over 36 consecutive hours.

– Sponsored an expedition to the lost city of Whanoctlatolepec after reading about it in a copy of “Boys’ Own Adventures.”
– Failed to secure a Papal pardon, despite all efforts.

– Produced in a factory that processes peanuts.
– Performed eye surgery only once, on Raul Castro.

– Dabbled in international finance, but was fired due to anti-cloneism.
– Is legally prohibited from unfolding in time and the Z-axis.
– Arrested for wantonly disseminating information on and relating to the proper maintenance of a vagina without the proper authorization or knowledge.
A valued member of this organization, perhaps?

Records of the Canadian Government

[…] and, on this matter, we cite the Procedures of Governance in Canada (Procédures de la gouvernance au Canada) Page 29, sub-section Delta Omicron: “The appropriate function of the Governor-Governor General-General is well-documented. As HRH Queen Elizabeth is full of helium and is thus able to fly, the office of Governor-Governor General-General (Gouverneur-Gouverneur Général-Général) was established so that, when Her Imperiousness visits these so defined Canadas, there might be someone appointed by the government to hold the rope which anchors her to the earth. If she is not thusly anchored, we risk her gaining altitude and seeing exactly how large Canada is.”

With that in mind, we, the elected representatives of the Partido Verde British Colombiano, hereby charge Governor-Governor General-General Michaelle “Mad Dog” Jean with being unable to carry out the duties to which she was so ceremoniously appointed. On the July tour of Canada, Ms. Jean was observed struggling to anchor Queen Elizabeth to the earth—she was being lifted off the ground. Ms. Jean does not have, and is apparently incapable of gaining, the physical weight necessary to counter the aerial buoyancy of the Queen. Therefore, we contest her appointment, and demand she be replaced with somebody more weighty.

So endeth the notes of Argula Blastfontein, Ninth Stenographer of the Canadian Presidium (Présidium Canadienne).

“We must fight Gorlax” – Bob Lutz

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

H. Pinchsnapper’s Automotive Quarterly – Speaking to assembled press, GM whatever-he-is Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz acknowledged the presence of Gorlax, the hideous monster from parts unknown, and stressed the importance of finding and destroying him. “For too long, Gorlax has had free reign over our manufacturing centers, cities, and hemisphere,” Lutz stated. “To stop Gorlax will require the largest force humanity has yet assembled, big enough that you nancy-boy reporters cannot even conceive of it’s might. We will find the home of Gorlax—we will annihilate where he sleeps, we will annihilate where his children sleep, and we will annihilate Toyota City—the fuckers!”

Gorlax, through his publicists, responded that he “seeks only to rape,” and “is friend to all hu-mon with no holes.” The monster, of hideousness not before seen by human eyes, has been rampaging around the American mid-west for some time now, having come down from Canada in late May. “We thought he was just following Phish around,” said a Border Protection officer who did not wish to be named, “We did not know he was perversion made manifest.” Current efforts to stop Gorlax have failed, as he is impervious to all weapons, conventional or nuclear. “We’ve tried everything,” the Department of Defense claimed in a prepared statement. “The latest in airborne munitions haven’t worked so far. Predators, with their Hellfire missiles? No. AC-130s? No. JDAMs? No! The Butt Nuke? Gorlax liked the Butt Nuke.”

Lutz declined to describe his plans to defeat Gorlax in detail. “Listen, you commie runt, I got a B-52, 60,000 pounds of munitions, one forty-five caliber automatic, four days’ concentrated emergency rations, one miniature combination Russian phrasebook and Bible, one hundred dollars in Rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, one issue of prophylactics, and three pair of nylon stockings, and if those things don’t find themselves upside Gorlax’s head, they’re gonna find themselves upside yours, God-dammit.” Lutz has previously saved the world from three beasts from the abyss, having destroyed Nucrelix, Bob Dole, and The Ultramagnet.

Gorlax’s rampage continues; having destroyed Detroit, he now heads for the Twin Cities, which are in Minnesota or some place like that. Lutz’s private air force is based out of Las Vegas, NV, so it’s hoped that he will have time to assemble his strike team before Gorlax incinerates the continent.

~

Portuguese Theatre Revue – PEORIA—Dearest God-King Mad Dog was presumed slain today by Gorlax the All-Biter at 4:03 AM, Imperial Saskatchewan time. Lutz’s B-52, “Daffodil,” was found upside Gorlax’s face with an empty cabin. Rescuers scoured the barren lands for several hours, but found only a torn pair of nylons and one of Lutz’s ivory-handled revolvers. Lutz is presumed to inhabit one of Gorlax’s innumerable colons, from which escape is unlikely and digestion is constant. We are left to hope that Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz will return, some day, when humanity is more deserving of his presence.

Stasi Annual Newsletter – Speaking to the assembled press, re-animated Chinese premier Hu “Geronimo” Jintao declared a day of national remembrance in honor of Bob “Mad Dog” Lutz, recently-departed GM whatever-he-was. “Lutz was as hungry for revenge as I am for Taiwan,” said Hu, “but I will carry the spirit of his iron jaw in my heart.” Lutz and Hu were no fans of each other, with Lutz famously mentioning that “On a scale of one to America, I will hit Jintao in the hojos with a nine-iron,” but their relations had normalized when Hu and Lutz signed a memorandum of understanding to fire Japan into the sun.

Hambyong Worker’s Gazette – Canadian Governor-Governor General-General Al Gore opened the Pepsi Canadian Football Canadian World Series with a touching (if decidedly worse than Dearest Comrade Kim Jong-Un’s) bagpipe solo in honor of presumably-deceased world emperor Bob “미친개” Lutz, capping off a nationwide series of depressing musical embarrassments. “This one goes out to Mad Dog,” the imperialist scum wept, as his disgusting Western instrument honked into the night. Over 30,000 Canadians were reported to have existed at the time.

Ryugyong Int’l Motor Expo: Voss Nose unveils Plesiopheonix-XX, world’s first car with peasant filter.

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are a pack of fuckers and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Sex Farm Woman Herald-Tribune – 2010 Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking via saucy hologram, Voss Nose CEO and former Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Plesiopheonix-XX, a new sporting coupé with environmental credentials lacking from previous Voss Noses. Pairing the company’s Itchy Emperor platform with the wrought-iron V20 “Superthorax” motor, the Plesiopheonix represents a new econo-pervert direction for the company.

“At first, I wasn’t sure where I was,” Hata noted, “and then I realized I was at the motor show. Hello, lady. We’re very excited by the Plesiopheonix’s new technology. Commonly, when driving through urban, rural, or terrestrial areas, one’s motoring carriage will suck up a lot of peasants, which can really gum up the engine after a few thousand miles. That’s bad for milage. What we do is install a special filter in the intakes that uses combined layers of cable TV, compelling retail outlets, and public schools to trap any peasants that might enter the engine bay. It then puts them to work on internal improvements to each Plesiopheonix. This represents an exciting new frontier in enviro-conscious motoring; the more peasants you can trap inside your engine bay, the nicer your Plesiopheonix will become.”

Hata did not respond to charges that the 84-foot Plesiopheonix-XX was simply the latest in his series of attempts to impress actress Catalina Sandino “Mad Dog” Moreno, instead pointing out the car’s other features, including neural network turn signals and rear braking array composed of 96,000 drum brakes. Voss Nose plans to offer the Plesiopheonix beginning in Q2 ’12, with prices starting at 144 billion yuan.