Ryugyong Motor Show: VW insiders can’t tell what Ferdinand Piëch still does there, fear him anyway.

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STYLE CROATIA ZZNAZ MAGAZINE OF MONTH – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Despite Volkswagen’s onslaught of concept cars at this year’s RIME, VW insiders claim that the marque’s slate of upcoming vehicles is bare. While concerns over tooling and marketing costs in the ongoing recession are partly to blame, our sources claim it’s mostly because the ongoing presence of former CEO Ferdinand Piëch in VW HQ has ceaselessly bewildered staffers, unsure of how much power he wields over them or what his actual function is there.

“I can’t figure out what he does here anymore, but he’s always hovering around the studio,” claimed designer Aristides “Mad Dog” Brezina, who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes I’ll be working, and Piëch will suddenly emerge from my desk drawer.” Others at Volkswagen share similar concerns. Said Tatyana “Mad Dog” Ehrenfest, “[Piëch] won’t stop IMing me. He will not stop. I asked him to stop, and he said that he is not Piëch, and also that he is watching me. I do not want my children to be motherless, so I pretend to work harder, and then cry.”

VW’s public relations department noted that, while Martin Winterkorn is officially the Chairman and CEO of Volkswagen AG, Piëch “retains an indeterminate amount of control. He won’t leave, but—will we be fired for saying this? It is unclear. Even Winterkorn does not know. Oh God, there’s Piëch.” VW AG shares gained traction in early trading today, for mysterious reasons.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Bob Lutz briefly mentions Voltec platform, “dares you to say that to his face.”

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World Bananadon Monthly – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking to the press at the General Motors press conference, Vice Chairman Bob Lutz introduced the exciting opportunities that GM’s forthcoming Voltec platform presents for three minutes, and then demonstrated his power by tearing up the podium and throwing it at “those French pansies” manning the nearby Aston Martin booth. Fielding questions from reporters on the series hybrid architecture, Lutz noted that AP automotive correspondent Henry Crun should “just get up here and try saying that to my face,” before taking off his shirt and ending the press conference.

Lutz’s behavior confused industry analysts, in light of GM President and CEO Fritz Henderson’s recent departure. “We had assumed that Henderson’s departure was due to board pressure, particularly from chair Ed Whitacre,” said Brian “Mad Dog” Kernighan, of investment firm Int, Argc, & Char, “but according to the graffiti left by Lutz on the side of Ford World Headquarters, Henderson left because he was, and I quote, a “pansy midget chump,” who lived in fear of Lutz’s “iron fists.” Lutz’s actions at the Ryugyong show today support this.”

General Motors representatives could not be reached for comment on either matter, until Lutz drove through the wall of our office in a 2010 Cadillac CTS-V and demanded to know if any of us “little Chinamen” thought we could “take him.”

Ryugyong Motor Show: Hyundai knows your darkest secrets and deepest fears, claims Hyundai CFO

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North Felt-Town Printed Letters – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Hyundai CFO Chung Tae-hwan took the stage today to announce that Hyundai knows your darkest secrets and deepest fears. “Yes, we forecast that the Genesis Coupé will make great inroads into Nissan’s coupé marketshare,” he began, “but moreover, we forecast that your resistance to the well-built, reliable Hyundai Coupé will crumble as we plague your waking moments with the foul demons that haunt you in the depths of your lonely slumber. Our Kia subsidiary’s fun, funky new Soul will fill your driveway with some Korean funkiness as your spirit breaks under the strain of sharing your most horrifying secrets with our R&D department.”

When questioned what Hyundai Motor Company would be using the information for, Chung threatened to write the press corps’ names in red ink, and summoned three dozen Hyundai HA006 welding robots to end the press conference by any means necessary.

Industry analyst and professional mosaicist Dr. H. Mad Dog Lutz noted that, “While it remains unclear how Hyundai developed the technology to haunt our very dreams, I can’t afford to let the public to know what happened that fateful summer – have you checked out the value-packed 2009 Elantra?”

Ryugyong Motor Show: Chief Pontiac steals world’s aluminum supply, announces nothing

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Crème Brûlée Fancier – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking to the press, Pontiac spokespeople confirmed that, although they were not announcing anything at the Motoring Expo, Chief Pontiac’s armies swarmed over the Earth, stripping it of all aluminum, and then remarked that we were now free to get lost. In a statement released after the press conference, Chief Pontiac confirmed that millions and millions of tons of the lightweight metal already filled his sub-Ottawan caverns, and that all other car makers were free to “beg, beg for your minerals!”

The theft parallels a 2003 attempt by Stevenson-Impish to dominate the world’s magnesium reserves, which ended in a nuclear shootout with BMW South Africa, forever sinking the continent of South America beneath the waves. Chief Pontiac, in his statement, anticipated the comparison, calling it “lame.”

Aluminum futures soared seven hojillion percent as the news broke, a number characterized by MN!OG & O head jerkass Billy “Mad Dog” Wingus as “mostly made up.”

Ryugyong Motor Show: Top Voss Nose scientists unveil world’s first chlorine-bodied motoring carriage

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Samlibar News Extrusions – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Top men of the Voss Nose Research Lair announced the Three Three Plesiosaur concept motoring carriage, the first in the world to have a body constructed entirely from chlorine gas.

Sir Humphry Davy, the lead Voss Nose researcher behind the project, explained the benefits of the Three Three Plesiosaur. “Well, it has the same V14 Superthorax engine as the regular VN Boomtown Superbeast, but the chlorine body represents a significant step forward. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s not metal,” Davy said, waving his hand through the 3 3 P’s body. “I mean, all of the usual drawbacks that come with the iron we usually use for car bodies? Gone. I mean, look, it’s chlorine. It’s like our slogan says; ‘Voss Nose: The Freshmaker!” Davy responded to doubts about the ability of the Voss Nose chlorine to not kill people by laughing nervously and suggesting we check out the pictures of Miss Neutron, the Voss Nose company pin-up model, in the next exhibit hall.

Executives and pin-up models from Stanislaus and Trench-Rapist, Voss Nose’s chief competitors in the passenger car and big-ass boat markets, declined to comment.

Ryugyong Motor Show: Driven – the new Voss Nose Mossburster Rawhiiiide

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Waxwork and HO-Scale Train Daily – Good God, the Mossburster moves. She moves! My three-ton assistant punches the Voss Nose’s pulsating neon throttle as we descend upon I-5 South, and the tin-toy harbingers of a worsening trade deficit which dare to surround us become but smudges on the crystalline windscreen. Within moments, we have left the glorious North Americas and arrive in deepest Chile, my compatriot nervously stroking erstwhile President Eduardo Ruiz-Tagle’s thigh as I struggle to escape this raging coma which the Voss Nose’s sheer thrust has set upon me. As our sound waves catch up with us seven hours later, there can be no further doubt: the ungodly speed of this motorcar is on par with even Tsutomu Hata, former Japanese Prime Minister and the fastest man on earth. If we show it the proper amount of respect, it will not harm us.

The Mossburster shares its platform with two other Noses – the Flambé Omega and the TyrranoChrome – but brings all-new running gear to the table. It’s 19-cylinder “Trans-Cranberry” radial engine is the first powerplant constructed entirely in a fictional land, and uses those loosely-interpreted laws of physics to deliver over 7000 horsepower even when not in use. This untold power comes at an environmental cost, as the Mossburster expels three long tons of mercury for every mile traveled, but as the car’s raw power makes it impossible to catch, this is considered unimportant.

The interior is built to a price, to be sure, but Voss Nose company representatives assure me that the price is more than my kind can afford. The seats are supportive, and even my three-ton man’s man assures me that his considerable bulk is laterally restrained throughout even the most reprehensibly reckless maneuver. He is a preternaturally large man. He would know. For heaven’s sake, this rum burns! Being a Voss Nose, the THX-rejected quad-stereo system is without earthly parallel, although the dulcet tones of Roger Daltrey are whipped and driven into oblivion by the unobstructed exhaust system crudely bolted to the fearsome Trans-Cranberry. The Rawhiiiide package is of questionable value, costing $7 and neither adding nor subtracting any discernible feature.

Most Earthlings, of weak frame and weaker constitution, will not be able to restrain the Mossburster as the speed climbs above 900 miles per hour, and will find themselves embedded in the moons of Jupiter as this accursed car strains against and breaks the bonds of our sweet planet. Those beasts of myth who are able to corral the automobile will find no solace in their accomplishment: the machine, with all its thrust, is able to travel so quickly that you will neither experience the drive nor anything in the world around you as you drive. A completed journey will weigh on your soul as does the gambling debt, or the IRS audit, as you will only sweat with the knowledge that you must once again submit yourself to the Mossburster when your puny dinner party comes to an end.

To most, the Mossburster is not worth the seven billion dollar entry fee. It is but an overpowered beast of legend; you will not learn its secrets. It is both a needless waste of the Earth’s precious iron reserves and a terrible amalgam of marketing and witchery. But to that rare consumer who submits his- or herself to the Voss Nose Company’s foul brew of insanity—their thirst for the blood of man—it represents a step forward not seen since the debut of the Boomtown Superbeast. Although this motorcar is a mediocre achiever in the fields of both comfort and sport, and the price tag makes it, in effect, unobtainable, the near-unlimited power afforded to the Mossburster’s buyer is without parallel. Undoubtedly one day, someone will possess this old, forgotten god, and we will fear him.

P. Claudius “Mad Dog” Gustav, reporting.