I have been lobbying all appropriate Dutch (and even inappropriate Belgian) authorities to put me in charge of all current and future ultra-marathons and ultra-triathlons. I’ve been writing exhaustive and excruciating letters to the Nederlandse Sport Federatie, because their email address is pretty easy to find, my Dutch is reasonable, and firstname.lastname@example.org doesn’t respond to anything that doesn’t contain delicious currency of the imperialist West. This will not do, as I merely propose a series of a events for overenergetic rich nutjobs. The Dutch do not respond!
The Grosjean Three-Arm 10000: A man is forced to wear a sheep like a backpack. He must feed and educate the sheep while being pursued over a 40-mile obstacle course by Uzbek mercenaries. If the racer is captured by the Uzbeks, they will take his sheep and raise it in their native tradition. Obstacles include mud traps, mud holes, mud ladders, and mud walls. A timer is implanted in the racer’s arm, and will continue counting down after the race, to an actuarially-determined point at which the racer will die. The winner is the racer who completes the race the fastest with the most well-rounded sheep. Meanwhile, cameramen battle each other in a vicious blood-sport where the winner gets a job making documentaries.
The Saumarez Dynacrumble: Participants race for 400 meters while carrying a 40-foot stone statue of Saumarez. If they cannot lift it, they are shot. The only documented winner of this race is Saumarez.
WingRun ’09, For The Kids With No Homes: Participants obtain their own helicopter transport to Iqaluit, where they must immediately don duck suits. Their BAC must be at least .15, and they must spend the whole race holding wings with another duck whose political positions they disagree with. It is a double-length triathlon, and air horns are provided for noisemaking. Each pair of ducks is provided with one balloon-tire bicycle, and it must be occupied by one or more ducks at all times, even during the aquatic portion of the race. Circling gunships will eliminate anyone who tries to use flashlights to break the endless Arctic night. First prize is a poorly-built catamaran.
Mijn Verdachte Oma: In a rare “triple-double-ulta-secret” marathon, participants must go about their lives, and never reveal that they are participants in a marathon. They must become grandparents, and visit every Wendy’s franchise in the world. Participants periodically receive a vision of a cow called Morris, who knows what they will do before they do it. The winner receives immortality and resistance to bees.
The Poisoned Granule 10K: Participants are para-dropped into a pan-dimensional rainforest with a short-wave radio, a hundred dollars in gold, a hundred dollars in rubles, and a flute. They must hike out of the rainforest without going mad in the ethereal wasteland in between the dimensional planes, and become proficient in the quasi-musical language of the beings that inhabit it. Extra time bonuses will be awarded to the racer who can punch themselves the most. The short-wave radios must be tuned to numbers stations at all times, and racers must have pinpointed their location via pan-dimensional triangulation by the time they return. Race organizers are free to add up to 400 extra miles to the race, to compensate for destructive Belgian influences. Participants are expected to use their pan-dimensional privileges to rob nearby department stores, and turn “findings” over to the race organizers.