Dumb Stuff

Ryugyong Motor Show: Chief Pontiac steals world’s aluminum supply, announces nothing

Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are deeply distasteful and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.

Crème Brûlée Fancier – Ryugyong International Motoring Expo: Speaking to the press, Pontiac spokespeople confirmed that, although they were not announcing anything at the Motoring Expo, Chief Pontiac’s armies swarmed over the Earth, stripping it of all aluminum, and then remarked that we were now free to get lost. In a statement released after the press conference, Chief Pontiac confirmed that millions and millions of tons of the lightweight metal already filled his sub-Ottawan caverns, and that all other car makers were free to “beg, beg for your minerals!”

The theft parallels a 2003 attempt by Stevenson-Impish to dominate the world’s magnesium reserves, which ended in a nuclear shootout with BMW South Africa, forever sinking the continent of South America beneath the waves. Chief Pontiac, in his statement, anticipated the comparison, calling it “lame.”

Aluminum futures soared seven hojillion percent as the news broke, a number characterized by MN!OG & O head jerkass Billy “Mad Dog” Wingus as “mostly made up.”